Forward email jokes

There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do?

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What are you thinking?

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HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


*******************************************************

One woman called a toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

*******************************************************

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

*******************************************************

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

*******************************************************

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

*******************************************************

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*&^ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Wedding Colors


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Top 10 Rejection Lines
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

Spoiler:

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)


and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

Spoiler:

You know you are a malaysian when:

- You complain about the quality of the pirated DVD you just purchased. "What, RM10 for DVD5?! Aiyah, boss ... sound no good, cheaperlah ..."

- You're willing to consume sambal petai and durian and gladly suffer the bloating and wind-breaking incidents.

- You're exceedingly polite to the Mat Sallehs but you slag your own kind. "Hello, sir. Why don't you sit here, it's got the best view of the city skyline." But, "Aunty-ah, your table is over there next to the kitchen."

- You order Maggi goreng and fried chicken, complain about how oily the food is, and then proceed to finish it anyway.

- You love to talk about food. You're already thinking about what to have for dinner while eating lunch. "I'm stuffed. What shall we have for dinner?"

- You dive into a communal-style meal the moment the dish lands on the table only to hesitate at the last morsel of food on the serving dish. There are two possible explanations for this: the first is the pai seh (embarrassed) factor, while the other is the myth that the person who eats the last piece will be a spinster.

- You hit the accelerator the moment the first drop of rain hits your windshield. "Alamak, it's going to rain. Sure traffic jam one. I'd better drive faster."

- You seize the opportunity to make a U-turn anywhere ... especially where there is a sign telling you not to. Well, so long as the cops aren't in sight.

- You feel a burning desire to send text messages and even have the gall to give your friend a blow-by-blow account of the movie to your friend on the handphone during the screening of the movie. "Okay, now that girl Lizzie is impersonating an Italian singer; she so doesn't look Italian ..."

- You forsake your loved ones for the all-important four letter-word: S-A-L-E. "Sorry, mum, I can't take you to Aunt Mary's because I have to go to MidValley before the crowd." You?re also more than happy to be part of the insane traffic jam that forms around malls during weekends and sale periods.

- Reality shows Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol dictate your social life. "What, no TV at the mamak? Count me out ? I'm staying home. Rinie needs my support."

- You pepper every sentence with lah. "No-lah, I can't see you today-lah. I have to -lah. You know-lah, the prison warden aka mak is watching me like a hawk"

- You fail to function normally without your daily dose of teh tarik and nasi lemak.

- You have owned at least one Proton in your lifetime. Cheap, cheap. That is until you start to make enough dough to buy that Honda you've been salivating over.

- You slow down at an accident site to take down the car number plate, but won't step out of your car to help the victim could be a robber!

- You'd rather park your car along the main road outside the mall, where there's a yellow line, rather than pay RM1 to park inside where there are adequate bays.

- You plead, bat your eyelids and relate a sob story to the officer at the town council office to let you off the hook (or reduce the amount considerably) for the fine you incurred when you parked your car on the double line.

- You make an appointment for 10am and conveniently show up a half hour late ? Malaysian time, what ...

- You pop open the wet tissue packet at the Chinese restaurant by squeezing the trapped air to the top of the packet before proceeding to smash your fist into it. The louder the pop the better.

- You greet your friend / neighbor / acquaintance on the street with "How are things?" or "Have you eaten?" or better yet, by stating the obvious: "Went to market ah?"

- Ramlee burger is the "piece de resistance" of your growing-up-years cuisine.

- You catch all major televised events at the mamak.

- You have roughly six meals a day (breakfast, mid-morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and supper). Then there's the snacking ? keropok ikan, pisang goreng, muruku, jam tarts and the like.

- You get the whole family dressed to the nines, jump into the car and head for the minister's open house and ask for styrofoam boxes and plastic bags to tar pau (take away) food.

- Your accent and language style vary according to the race of the person you are conversing with.

- You've got a friendly disposition. Smiles are abundant and your "Apa khabar?" is warm and sincere.

- You exclaim loudly how expensive everything is, even though the items may in fact be going for a steal. "Wah! So expensive, ah? Hak sei ngor (Scare me to death)!"

- You dig deep into your pockets to contribute to the latest appeal for donations in the newspapers.

- You "dis" our country all the time, but as soon as something good happens (like winning the Thomas Cup), you morph into a proud Malaysian.

- You never travel abroad without a bottle of chilli sauce, or sachets which you can sneak into restaurants.

Below are four (4) questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready?

GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question: You are participating in a race. You
overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you
are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second
person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to mess up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

Half Sisters


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman." After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, and she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I fooled around with other women a lot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. After eight months, he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!"

Hahahahaha
Kahkahkah
Krohkrohkroh....

*Sja nk tmpang gelak...*

nk post gak cite lawak ni
tapi dalam bahasa melayu la

.::masalah pendengaran::.

Udin pergi berjumpa doktor mengeluh tentang isterinya yang sudah hilang pendengaran.

"Seberapa burukkah pendengarannya?" tanya doktor.

"Entahlah, Doktor. Yang jelas saya mesti menjerit kalau nak berbual dengannya."

"Okey, cuba buat macam nie. Berdiri sejauh 6 meter darinya, lalu katakan sesuatu. Kalau dia tak boleh dengar kamu, berdirilah lebih dekat sedikit darinya, lalu katakan yang kamu katakan tadi. Kalau dia tidak juga dengar, dekatkan jarak sedikit demi sedikit. Dengan begitu saya akan tahu berapa jarak maksima pendengarannya."

Maka, Udin pulang ke rumah dan mendapati isterinya sedang memasak di dapur. Dari jarak 6 meter ia berteriak, "Makan apa kita malam ini?" Tak ada jawapan. Lalu dia jalan depan sedikit lagi, berhenti di jarak 5 meter dan menanyakan hal yang sama. Juga tak terdengar jawapan. Begitu juga pada jarak 3 meter.

Akhirnya, ia berdiri di samping isterinya.
"Makan apa kita malam ini?" katanya separuh menjerit.

Si isteri dengan mata yang berlinangan dengan air mata, lalu menjerit:

"Untuk keempat kalinya aku beritahu, KARI KAMBING!!!!"

.. dia yg b'masalah pendengaran rupanya.. ~

lawak siot.. lawakkk .. trimas geng

mat tembak slalu glakkan adib dalam klas.....hahahahahahahaha

jokes!.. huhuhaha.. english jokes xdpt kalahkan malay jokes..

ni ada sket..



Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front.

Saper yang salah

Seorang ibu muda sedang mengadu pada temannya, "Aku terpaksa minta cerai dari suamiku."

"Kenapa..?" tanya temannya kehairanan.

"Habis.., hampir setiap malam kerjanya keluar masuk disko." jawab si ibu muda.

"OOOOhh, jadi suamimu itu kaki disko lah yer.. ?" tanya temannya lagi.

"Bukan begitu..,sebenarnya dia ke sana mencari aku !" jawab si ibu muda.

Pandainya dia cakap arab

Sudin & kawanya pergi ke Yaman. Satu hari tu, masa tiba di satu perkampungan di selatan Yaman, kereta pacuan 4 roda mereka tiba-tiba mati. Sebabnya minyak habis.

Oleh kerana pada waktu itu jurubahasa tak ada, maka Sudin pun cakaplah kat kawannya yg dah risau tu.... "tak pe.. tak pe.. dulu aku ada belajar bahasa arab laa.." Mendengar kata Sudin tu, lega lah sikit kawannya...

Tak berapa lama kemudian, beberapa orang kAmpunkan patik penunggu gua...g pun datang nak tolong.

Sudin dengan bangga & nak tunjuk pandainya dia cakap arab pada kawannya... dia pun pergi ke hadapan 4WD nya sambil menepuk bonet
kereta... dia pun cakap...

"Engine - Innalillahhiwainalillahiroji'un ".

Lepas tu dia pergi pulak ke tempat isi minyak... sambil menunjuk ke lubang tangki minyak... dia sambung cakap...

"Petrol - Sodaqallah hul azim".

kawan sudin punyala sakit hati... terus dibalingnya sudin dgn kasutnya...

org-org yaman tu semua haram tak paham benda yg dibuat dek 2 budak melayu ni...

Gabra Punya Pasal

Dekat semua rumah ni tinggal la sebuah family. dalam famili tu ada ayah n mak, anak dan menantu serta cucu.

satu hari, tengah sedang menantu lelakinya tgk tv, ayah nyer lalu depan dia. tiba2 ayah mertuanyer rebah depan dia sambil pegang dada..

kelam kabut dia (menantu)..pastu bini mak mertua dia pun datang terkam..semua terkejut..

semua dah gabra.. sambil pegang2 dada, ayah mertua dia pengsan.. tak sedar.. pastu macam sedar tak sedar..

menantu tadi gabra.. mak mentua dia suruh dia (menantu) ajar mengucap kat bapak dia tu sebab dia yang ribakan bapak mertua tu.

pastu bini dia pun plak suruh sambil tolak2 bahu... mak dia suruh lagi...

dah gabra sangat, dia pun buat (ajar mengucap)..
dia letak kt telinga ayah mertua dia dan dia pun cakap...

"MA ROBBUKA...."""

terkejut bini n mak mertua dia..

tiba2 ayah mertua dia sedar dan terus sound..

"OII.. AKU TK MATI LAGI DEYY...'""

sambil ayah mertua dia tu urut2 dada dia..

sepatutnya dia ajar mengucap, gabra punya pasal.. dia dah jadi malaikat..


wahkakakaka

Test Mike

ni cerita guer dapat dr turun temurun la k...kesahihan dan kebenaran cite ni x bole nak jamin 100% la..cite dia mcm nie….mcm ni ada satu hari 2 d bulan puasa....amat "bukan nama sebenar"...bekerja sebagai bilal…pagi 2 dia tiba2x terjaga lalu melihat jam di tangan...alangkah terkejutnya dia bila jam menunjukkan pukul 4.50 pg...dia pun apa lagi kelam kabut la gerak pi surau...tiba kat surau sorg pun xda..dia lg la jadi kelam kabut (dalam hati dia berkata…sebab aku la ni sorng pun xdtg lg…mampus aku oleh tok imam nti)....dia da rasa serba salah...tanpa membuang masa seperti hari2x biasa dian pun menjalankan tugasnya sebagai bilal...Dia pun bang la...tengah dia bang...jeng2x....dia terpandang jam pada dinding surau...jam baru pukul 1.30 pg....dia tgk balik jam kat tangan dia...gosok mata...mcm xpercaya dia gosok lg...dah memang sah bateri jam dia da tamat tempoh...dia pun da jani panik...tapi dia ni memang stailo dan pandai cover...dengan selambanya dia pun berkata "test mike..test mike...percubaan satu dua...ok set mike elok untuk digunakan..."

Lirik yang boleh menyelamatkan anda

When Ms Woo was on her way to her class, 2E5, she noticed the ntolerable noise they have made. Thus, she decided to confront those who were
misbehaving.

Ms Woo: How many times do I need to tell you, DON'T BE SO NOISY
especially when the teacher's not in class?? Who was the one who make so much
noise?! You better stand up before everyone gets it.

Felix: "Will the Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up, Please Stand Up,
Please Stand Up..." (Eminem)

Ms Woo: You again!! Can you DON'T PLAY A FOOL??

Felix: "Can't believe I'm the Fool again~" (Westlife)

Ms Woo: Do you want me to beat you??

Class: "Hit me Baby One More Time!" (Britney)

Ms Woo: What did u say??

Eugene: "WHAT?!" (Stone Cold)

Ms Woo: Are you out of your head??

Kai Ying: "I can't Get you Outta my Head~" (Kylie Minogue)

Ms Woo: Who do you think you are??

Eugene: "I'm a Genie in a Bottle~" (Christina Aguilera)

Ms Woo: DON'T BE RUDE!! How many F9s do you all want??

Class: "1, 2, 345, Everybody in the House, so Come'on let 's Ride.."
(Lou Bega)

Ms Woo: Do you all have to do this?? What else you all do?!

Class: "Sometimes I run, Sometimes I hide..." (Britney)

Ms Woo: Do you all think this is a party??

Class: "I'm Coming Up so you Better Get the Party Started!" (Pink)

Ms Woo: I want all of you to go for detention tomorrow morning!!

Class: "Every Morning they're a Hello..." (Sugar Ray)

Ms Woo: No!! I want everyone of you to go for detention EVERYDAY!!

Class: "Everyday I Love You~" (Boyzone)

Ms Woo: Felix, Eugene and Kai Ying!! You 3 come alone and see me after
school!!

Eugene: "Show me the Meaning, of Being Lonely" (BSB)

Ms Woo: Okay Eugene!! Now only you have to come and see me personally!!
Felix and Kai Ying need not!! It's gonna be only 2 of us!!

Eugene: "Just the Two of Us..." (Will Smith)

Ms Woo: Do you want to SHUTTUP before I bring you to Mr Fauzi??

Class: "You Say it Best, when you Say Nothing At All..." (Ronan
Keating)

Ms Woo: I want all of you to promise not to give me anymore trouble!!

Class: "This I Promise You... Woo~ I Promise You..." (*NSYNC)

Ms Woo: Make sure you all DON'T give me trouble again!!

Class: "Oops!! I Did it Again!!" (Britney)

Ms Woo: DON'T BE RUDE AR!!

Kai Ying: "There she Goes... There she Goes Again~" (Sixpence None The Richer)

Ms Woo: I'm leaving now!!

Class: "BYE BYE BYE!!" (*NSYNC)

Tongkat ali punya pasal

Pada suatu pagi, seorang isteri dengan lembut telah bertanya kepada suaminya,

Isterinya pun berkata,"Abang nak makan apa pagi, ni?Saya buatkan nasi lemak...nak?Atau abang nak nasi goreng ke atau roti canai ke? Atau saya buatkan roti telur nak?"

Suaminya pun berkata,"Tak payahlah. Abang tak ada selera langsung nak makan. Ini semua Tongkat Ali punya pasal".

Sampai ke tengahari,

Isterinya pun bertanya lagi,"Abang nak makan apa tengahari ni? Saya masakkan abang kari daging...nak? Atau abang
nak makan ikan ke atau ayam ke? Saya boleh masakkan sambal atau sup atau sweet & sour".

Suaminya berkata lagi, "Tak payahlah. Abang masih tak ada selera
nak makan. Ini semua Tongkat Ali punya pasal".

Sampai ke malam,

Isterinya pun bertanya lagi, "Abang nak makan apa malam ni? Saya masakkan abang ayam goreng ..nak? Atau abang nak makan fish & chips ke atau burger ke? Atau abang nak hot-dog?

Suaminya berkata lagi, "Tak payahlah. Abang masih tak ada selera
nak makan. Ini semua Tongkat Ali punya pasal".

Lalu isterinya pun berkata, "Kalau begitu, boleh tak abang tolong bangun dari atas saya sekejap. Saya nak pergi makan kerana dah
lapar sangat ni!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Dari pagi tadi tak makan" Ini semua Tongkat Ali Punya Pasal!!!

Berkhemah di taman rimba templer

Pada satu hujung minggu,Fahim dan Tajul b'khemah d Taman Rimba Templer.Mereka mendirikan khemah d kawasan lapang.Selepas makan malam,mereka teruz tdo..D tengah malam, Fahim mengejutkan Tajul.

Fahim:Tajul,bangun!tgk atas tu..apa yang ko nmpak?

(Sambil menggosok2 kan matanya,Tajul berkata dalam separuh menjerit); "Wah!!cantiknya,berjuta bintang d langit."

Fahim:Kau tahu apa maksudnya bintang2 tu?
Tajul:Esok mesti cuaca cerah,ceria dan x ujan..
Fahim:Bukan,makna nya,org dah curi khemah kita!!!!!!!

Longat Kelate vs Longat Utara

Timbul persoalan, loghat daerah manakah yang lebih munasabah di antara loghat utara dengan
loghat pantai timur?

Jawapannya: Loghat pantai timur (Kelate) adalah munasabah

Bahasa Melayu standard:
"Dia pergi ke rumah jiran untuk mencari emaknya tetapi setelah sampai di situ didapati emaknya tiada."


Loghat Utara (kedah):
"Dia pi ghumah jiran nak caghi mak dia, pi pi mak dia tak dak".

Loghat Pantai Timur (kelate):
"Dio gi ghumoh jire nok caghi mek dio, gi gi mek dio tak dok."


KESIMPULAN: Tidak mungkin pipi emaknya tiada; tetapi kalau gigi maknya tidak ada memang munasabahlah!

TALKIN ORG ASLI



Ini cerita pasal cara-cara orang asli berucap (dlm Islam kite panggil talkin ler) untuk si mati..tapi seingat aku diorang ni bukan beragama Islam. Diorang gelarkan si mati tu AJIS walaupun tu bukan nama si mati semasa hidup. Bila mayat tu dah ditanam, salah seorang kaum diorang/ tok batin pun start lah baca 'ucapan' macam imamlah...) bunyinya camni :

"HAI AJISS...MATI JUGAK KAO AJISS...SEKEJAP LAGI ADA ORANG BESAR MAU DATANG...( kalau kita, malaikat mungkar dan nakir) KALAU DIA TANYA,KAO JAWAB YANG BAIK-BAIK SAJA...YANG JAHAT-JAHAT DIA TAK TAU...KALAU DIA PUKUL KAO DARI KANAN...KAO ELAK KE KIRI...KALAU DIA pUKUL DARI KIRI...KAO ELAK KE KANAN...KALAU DIA HANTAM DARI DEPAN...KAO ELAK KE BELAKANG...KALAU DIA HANTAM DARI BELAKANG..............PANDAI-PANDAI KAOLAH AJISSSSS......"

Pastu komat kamit lah mulut pemberi 'ucapan' tu...dan diorang pun beredar dari situ...dari mula sampai habis 'ucapan' , kawan aku yang ikut diorang pi tanam mayat tu kena tahan gelak sampai merah padam muka dia...bila orang asli tu tanya ngape...kawan aku cakap. "huk~ huk~ sedey nyer......"

Pengajarannya..........

Tak baik ketawa kan kaum lain … Diaorang pun percaya juga kat alam kubur.............WAKAKAWAKAKAWAKAKA..

Wasiat terakhir suami...
===============
Hadi sedang nazak dan hampir meninggal...
Di sebelahnya Imah, isterinya sedang menemani Hadi...
Hadi : "Imah.. sebelum aku mati nanti.. aku ingin berpesan padamu.."
Isteri : "Iya, bang.. cakaplah.."
Hadi : "Aku mau kau kahwin dengan Harun..."
Isteri: "Isk abang nie.. kan Harun tu musuh ketat abang selama ini?!
Apa abang rela menyerahkan saya kepadanya?" dengan terkejut isterinya
bertanya.
Hadi: "Aku ingin dia menderita seperti yang aku alami 30 tahun
bersamamu.."
---------------------------------------

SALAH BAS
=========
Suatu malam seorang lelaki yang sedang mabuk menaiki bas dan duduk
disebelah perempuan Tua. Perempuan tua itu memandangnya dari atas ke
bawah.. dan berkata... "Kamu Tahu Tak?.. Kamu akan keneraka!" Si lelaki
terkejut terus bangun dan menekan loceng bas serta berkata...
"Berhenti... saya salah naik bas."
----------------------------------------

PERMINTAAN MELAMPAU
=====================
Seorang guru meninggalkan kelasnya beberapa minit untuk ketandas....
Ketika
dia kembali ke kelas, dia sangat terkejut kerana semua muridnya sangat
diam
dan bersopan.. tidak seperti biasa jika dia masuk kedalam kelas
tersebut,
murid-muridnya pasti sedang bising dan bermain.

Lalu guru itu berkata... Selama saya mengajar awak semua... tidak pernah
pulak saya melihat keaadan ini. Ini sangat menghairankan... boleh
sesiapa
tolong beritahu.. apa sebenarnya yang terjadi?? " guru itu bertanya
dalam
keadaan seperti hendak pitam...

Tiba-tiba.. salah seorang muridnya bangun dan berkata.."sebab... cikgu
pernah kata dulu... jika cikgu dapat melihat kami semua diam dan
bersopan
cikgu akan mati terkejut.... ha ha ha" sambil memerhatikan gurunya jatuh
ke
lantai.. dan kelas kembali bising macam biasa...
------------------------------------

KUCING
======
Seekor kucing kepunyaan seorang pakar konselor menyusup masuk pasar
jualan
ikan... dan mencuri seekor ikan tenggiri.. Penjual ikan lalu pergi ke
pejabat pakar konselor tadi dan bertanya: Kalau seekor kucing yang
dilepas
dan mencuri seekor ikan tenggiri dari kedai saya, apakah saya ada hak
untuk
menuntut ganti rugi dari pemiliknya?" "Tentu saja!" jawab pakar
konselor...

Penjual Ikan bersorak kegembiraan "Bagus...kalau begitu encik harus
membayar saya RM 10.00 untuk seekor ikan tenggiri yang dicuri oleh
kucing
encik dari kedai saya tadi pagi." Pakar konselor tanpa sepatah katapun
terus membayar RM 10.00 kepada penjual ikan tersebut...

Keesokannya ketika penjual ikan mengambil surat dari petisurat
rumahnya..dia bertemu sekeping surat dari pakar konselor tersebut....
kandungannya:

"RM 200.00 untuk perkhidmatan kaunseling"